Wednesday, September 24, 2008

4 things- School, Sofia, Disappointment & Song

In case you are wondering why I haven't posted in a while, let me explain. I'm almost 30 with two children under the age of 3 1/2 at home, can't speak the language spoken around me, a trip to the nearest store is a 20 minute walk, I'm physically and emotionally drained and oh yeah I forgot- I'M BACK IN SCHOOL! What in the world did I sign up for?

Ok, so I'm exaggerating a little, ok a lot. Life here in Costa Rica is probably the simplest my life has ever been and I love it but being in this situation at this time of my life does present a few challenges. When I graduated ACU I was sure I was DONE with school for the rest of my life. Little did I know I would wait 7 years, get married, be raising two kids, move to another country and THEN go back to school to learn how to communicate all over again.

It's been an adventure I would never change and school has honestly not been as hard as I thought it would be. It's the homework in the evenings that gets to me a little. I am slowly learning how to put the vocabulary I've learned into very small sentences and when I go to the market by myself I can actually talk to the merchants about their produce.

Well enough about me, let's talk about Sofia for a minute. That little girl is having a rough time. Ever since Levi passed away she has NOT wanted to be at school. Were not talking just a little tear but a full out fit the minute she wakes up. This happened for two weeks straight and as of Monday I thought things were getting better when she just wimpered instead of screamed. When I picked her up, her teacher explained to me that Sofia got a time out because she was fighting at school. At first the thought of my petite 3 year old "fighting" was kind of funny but when I asked "with who?" she then told me "todos" which means "all." I just looked at Sofia and wondered what was going on in her little head. Tuesday was better but then again today, the teacher said she was fighting again. Before bed her and I sat down and we had a long talk about how it hurt God's heart and mommy and daddy's heart when she wasn't kind to others. We talked about school, I asked why she might be angry and I had her pray that God would help her be kind and speak sweet words.

As she talked about a few things that maybe she was mad about and I tried as best I could to help her understand I realized that her precious little heart has just not been able to wrap around our son, her brother dying. It was her prayer that said it all "please God help my baby not die like mommy's baby." Wow, it took every bit of my self-control not to start crying. I just let her finish her prayer and said goodnight.

It was so hard for me to know that she was, like me, disappointed that this precious boy wouldn't get his diapers changed by his big sister and be held by his big brother. This brings me to the next subject.

I wanted to share something I read on someone's blog that I thought was so neat. It's the same blog that I posted about at the very beginning (Angie's blog) and just recently found something she had written that I loved. She talked about her disappointment with God and this is what she wrote and what I truly agreed with:

"I was disappointed with God
Do I praise Him? Yes
Do I love Him deeply and with abandon? Yes
Do I trust Him? Yes
Am I disappointed that my child is gone? Yes
I have said it before, but it bears repeating, He isn't intimidated by my disappointment. It doesn't make God turn away from me because I wish that things were different sometimes, in fact, it makes Him come nearer."

How true is that? It gave me such comfort.

Lastly I wanted to share a song (from the same blog) that the group Selah recorded recently but it's not out on cd yet I think. It's an unbelievable song that I know any mother who has gone through the loss of a child at birth or before will be able to find comfort in. She lost a beautiful baby girl and this song was and is for her. Thanks for sharing in my thoughts tonight.
Blessings, Steph
P.S. Levi, I am honored as your mommy to have carried you.

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen Me
To carry you


Aunt Nat Nat said...

Where in the world does Sofia get her spunky attitude from??!! I'm trying not to be proud of her but...she is my Reece after all!! (And a product of 2 crazy families!!) I'm so proud of you, Steph, for working hard at your schooling and if all else fails, Sofia can tutor you. She's smarter than all of us! Keep your heads up high and stay the course!! I love you all!!!

Anonymous said...


Just wondering if your fedex package arrived this week. The website said it was delivered to the school. Wanted to make sure it found its way to you.

Praying for peace for Sofia.

God bless,
Kathy Carson

Stephanie said...

Yes I received the book yesterday and I can't tell you what a blessing that was. You are sweet to have thought of us and shared your story. I wanted to email so I could share more so I will do that today or tomorrow. Thank you again for your sweet gift (I mean that in more ways than one.)

Stephanie said...

Aunt Nat-Nat
Boy do we miss you especially Sofia. She misses her Nat-Nat reading to her and just being with you. Thanks for all your comments, they truly make my day.
Love you

Anonymous said...

good to see you on facebook yesterday, and i checked to see if you wrote first thing when i got home. hang in there... someday you will be able to speak in a room and none of US will understand what you are saying. I am thinking this could have it's advantages!

emily anna said...

I'm sorry that we didn't get to talk last night. I was so disappointed! :(
You are an amazing Mom. All three of your children are blessed to have you. I will be praying for Sofia.
Love you... maybe we can talk tonight?

The Stringers said...

Hi Stephanie,
You don't know me, but I am a good friend of Stacy's and am Marilyn Jobe's daughter. I just wanted to share with you a little of my story. Eight years ago, we lost our precious Samuel. I'm not sure how far along you were, but I was 24 weeks. He was perfect, just too early and he died in my arms. I want you to know that I understand your pain. How it hurts so much that sometimes it seems amazing that you are still breathing. You have a tough year ahead of you but God will carry you through. I know you know that, but for me it was so encouraging to hear from people with similar experiences. To know that you can come through something like that and not turn bitter or calloused. I am so sorry for your loss. I am lifting you up in prayer. I promise things will get better eventually.

In Him,
Kimberly Stringer

Anonymous said...

Sweet Steph and Lee,
I am writing this while trying to blink through my tears just to see what I am trying to write. I love you both. I just read your blog insert from 9/24 and I just felt such love... and loss... and gain... and pain... and pride in you two that I just could not hold it in. I have not talked to either of you very much. I just don't know of anything to take away the pain and I feel so inadequate and undeserving to have you Steph as my daughter, and you Lee as my son in law, and two beautiful grand children here on earth. I feel the same way about Brandon, Becca, and Gabe and Ethan.
I cannot wait to see you in November. It will do me good to see your faith and growth in every way.
He is standing so near you can almost touch Him...Where would any of us be without Him.


Bex said...

Have been thinking of you and praying for you. I love you. I'm sorry for my silence. More importantly I'm sorry about Levi. I have been reading your blog and your strength and faith are amazing.