Monday, October 05, 2009

"This is The Day That The Lord Has Made, I Will Rejoice and Be Glad in It!"

I can't believe I will be leaving for the hospital in less than an hour! Yes, it's obvious that not much dozing has gone on because I'm post at 3 in the morning but I really wanted to share what has been drowning my thoughts and heart the last week.

I am trying to be so excited about having this baby today but there is a part of me that is torn with guilt. I can't help thinking that if Levi were here this baby wouldn't be. I AM excited about this sweet boy coming this morning but I also feel like I'm losing Levi all over again by allowing myself to rejoice and be glad.
A lot of women that have gone through a similar experience have assured me this is normal but man this is hard.
I know this baby boy is truly a miracle from the moment he was conceived and carrying him this far has been an answer to so many prayers. God has granted us another life for which I am so thankful, but I wanted to share this this morning more for me and Levi than anything else. This is what I've been wanting to tell him:

Levi, I just want you to know that not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Even as I have gotten things out for this baby, I saw so many things that were suppose to be for you sweet boy. I know you are in much better arms but I want you to know that though the days have gotten less painful and though a new life will arrive today, mommy still loves and misses you.
It was an honor carrying you in my womb and forever in my heart.
Love, mom

Well, I'm not quite sure how this morning is going to turn out emotionally but I just really wanted to pay tribute to Levi before I could fully rejoice this morning.
I can't thank you ALL enough for your sustained prayers these last 9 months and praying this baby all the way here.
Please pray that I stay calm throughout the c-section and that I feel God's peace and strength in the next few hours (though most of you will still be snoozing, haha)

Thanks for putting up with some of my more personal posts and just being a part of this journey. I pray it might help someone in a similar situation one of these days.
Steph

12 comments:

Ann Reese said...

Well, it is Monday night in Thailand and I keep thinking that such an important day is dawning on the other side of the world. I am praying for you and asking God for smooth delivery and for this baby boy to be healthy and in his mother's arms without drama and very soon! You guys have made it through a very difficult year. I pray that as this sweet little Fletcher boy joins your family that you will have renewed peace and joy. Thank you for sharing your words for Levi. We will not forget him and he is always going to be an important part of your family. May you be blessed with peace in your heart knowing that Levi knows you love him and he is rejoicing too at the birth of his brother-I'm just sure of it. I love you Steph. Praying for guilt-free joy as the sun comes up in Abilene today and Baby Fletcher is born!

Katie said...

I can't wait to meet this new baby boy. Thanks for sharing your words - they are powerful. Praying for you guys this morning!

JHW said...

I cried as I read this post......I understand completely. In fact, my husband and I were just talking last night about how we would not have Isaiah if Zoe had not died. It is just bizarre to think of and it does feel like I am dishonoring Zoe to even "go there"---but we are not, and you are not dishonoring Levi or loving him any less by being excited about this new one.....You are doing your best with God as your strength to endure being the mommy of children here with you and children waiting for you in Heaven.....it will never be easy....but I believe our precious Levi & Zoe understand and know we love them beyond words and wish they too, that all of our children, could be with us here and now...((hugs))....You WILL have room in your heart for this newest addition---so much JOY will flood your heart as you hold him....but it will be a time of missing Levi again, and that is okay and only because you love him dearly. I wish I could make it all better but I can't--so my prayer is that God will continue to use all of our pain for His glory......Love you! Hope

daddyO and honey said...

Of all of the towns you could be in you are in Abilene where I am, what JOY. i can't wait to see Baby Fletcher today. I went to bed praying and woke up praying for your family. Thank you for sharing all of your heart thoughts and mourning all over again in your post. For someone who has never experienced losing a child it is helpful to hear your feelings and try to understand. All the years to come your sweet boy and Corban will be buddies. I can't wait to see them running and wrestling in the backyard in Lima!! Blessings Fletcher Family, may the Peace of God be with you...see you soon!

Larissa Smith said...

I can relate. If I hadn't miscarried in January, I would have had a baby in September. Thinking things like "Should I be glad for a little extra time?" just makes me feel like an awful person, because I'm not really concerned about the timeline. I do know that God has used this experience to grow me in several new ways, for which I can be thankful. Instead of feeling guilty about embracing this pregnancy, I choose to thank God for not leaving my heart so empty for too long. He didn't let me stay broken. He didn't leave me wondering if my body would cooperate again. He brought me back and sustained me through the fear of it all happening again.

I am praying that you will find nothing but joy in the life you meet today. I pray that your hearts find the right places and ways to hold both Levi and your newest son with no struggle.

Summer said...

I too went to bed praying and woke up praying for you, soon-to-be-named baby Fletcher,and all of the emotions that you must be going through with his birth. Thank you for being so honest and open in this post. I know that God is using even your hurt to connect with others who have experienced something similar. Can't wait to come visit all of you this afternoon. Love you!

The Watsons said...

So excited your newest baby boy is here. What a blessing. Hoping you are feeling well...and still waiting for another text message via Lee on your phone to announce the precious boys new name! Ha! ;)

Anonymous said...

Can't wait to hear the news. Praying for you Steph and trust that the birth was full of joy. Thanks for sharing. I think little Levi is rejoicing too with you guys. Lots of love, Trish

Jina Hinson said...

I am so moved by your letter to Levi. Your love for him will always flow...even as you welcome this new life into your family.

Much love to you, Steph.

jaime mcnab said...

You have such a beautiful and loving heart. Us mamas who lose a baby no matter when in the Pgnancy will always love the baby they never held. However, knowing that they are in the arms of the Lord brings so much comfort to us. Good for you for talking to and about Levi. God had now blessed you with another precious baby. This is HIS way of saying.... It is all okay!

Candy said...

You have an amazing heart. Thank you for sharing it.

Olivia said...

I'm so glad you wrote this. It is probably such a small fraction of how you feel. Levi is SO honored that you love him so much and that because you love him so much, you love Liam and all your kids. Nothing will replace Levi, no one, not time or anything as wonderful or something as painful. You are a great Mom Steph. Love you.