I can't believe I will be leaving for the hospital in less than an hour! Yes, it's obvious that not much dozing has gone on because I'm post at 3 in the morning but I really wanted to share what has been drowning my thoughts and heart the last week.
I am trying to be so excited about having this baby today but there is a part of me that is torn with guilt. I can't help thinking that if Levi were here this baby wouldn't be. I AM excited about this sweet boy coming this morning but I also feel like I'm losing Levi all over again by allowing myself to rejoice and be glad.
A lot of women that have gone through a similar experience have assured me this is normal but man this is hard.
I know this baby boy is truly a miracle from the moment he was conceived and carrying him this far has been an answer to so many prayers. God has granted us another life for which I am so thankful, but I wanted to share this this morning more for me and Levi than anything else. This is what I've been wanting to tell him:
Levi, I just want you to know that not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Even as I have gotten things out for this baby, I saw so many things that were suppose to be for you sweet boy. I know you are in much better arms but I want you to know that though the days have gotten less painful and though a new life will arrive today, mommy still loves and misses you.
It was an honor carrying you in my womb and forever in my heart.
Well, I'm not quite sure how this morning is going to turn out emotionally but I just really wanted to pay tribute to Levi before I could fully rejoice this morning.
I can't thank you ALL enough for your sustained prayers these last 9 months and praying this baby all the way here.
Please pray that I stay calm throughout the c-section and that I feel God's peace and strength in the next few hours (though most of you will still be snoozing, haha)
Thanks for putting up with some of my more personal posts and just being a part of this journey. I pray it might help someone in a similar situation one of these days.