Fear

This morning Lee and I woke up in a panic as our bed shook from an earthquake.  We RAN for the kids and when I got to the boys room, the shaking was going away.  I stood there holding onto the doorway and a thought hit me "what in the world would I have done next?!?"
This little thought has haunted me since I moved to Lima.  This is the 5th earthquake or what they call "tremor" that I have felt since being here.  Last night was the strongest that I had felt and probably because it was the first one that was actually in Lima.  It was only a 4.8 but that was enough to send a chill up my spine.
After waiting a little bit in fear of another one, I laid back in bed a little shaky.  I was awake wondering why Lee and I don't have a specific plan of action, wondering what I would need to do in case of a worse tremor and lastly what would I do when there are two of us and 3 kids.  That thought is one I try not to think about but unfortunently I think through things like this a little too often.

This morning I woke up at 5 to get ready to teach my bootcamp class and so much was going through my head.  Why do I have so much fear?!?  This past week a friend from back home was told told to take her almost 7 year old son home because there was nothing more the doctors could do.  My thoughts have been with Matt, Amy, Mary and sweet Liam since I heard and I think about them throughout the day and especially when things are quiet.  I can only imagine the agony of the waiting and the loss they are going to experience.
Another friend Marilyn Jobe is also nearing the end of her life here on earth.  She has fought hard and though cancer has overtaken her body, her soul is ready to be in the place it has always longed to be.

The past few days have been filled with this fear of "God I'm not afraid of it happening to our family but I'm afraid I won't handle it as gracefully or with as much faith as these two families."  I'm not saying I wait around for bad things to happen but I have to say I do verge on thinking that it COULD happen to us just like anyone else.  We are not invincible.

I pray often for God to calm my fears.  I don't sit around in fear all the time but I feel like it is a way that Satan uses to really bring doubt into my heart.  I want to be a person that believes in heaven not just as a place that is WAY up there in the sky but somewhere that my heart longs to be and somewhere that I have NO fear of going.

I've always said I was going to keep this blog as real as possible and well here it is.  Here is the missionary saying that I fear the unknown.  I fear my character will fail me in a time of crisis.  I fear getting a skype call that someone in our family is sick or gone and I will be stuck so far away. But what I fear most is standing in the face of sickness or death and not being able to feel/BE with God and not having the faith that I so desire.  
Yes, this missionary needs some prayers HAHA!  I mean really!  What missionary DOESN'T need your prayers?!?  If satan is going to attack let it be known that he WILL begin with the people who's full time job is to bring people into a relationship with God.

Well Satan... I have just blogged about this fear and about my lack of faith sometimes and you know what that means???  It's ALL out there!  There is power is letting those words out and there is power in people praying for that fear to be GONE!

I am going to be sharing some things on the blog in 2012 that will hopefully keep me accountable in my walk, my journey as a missionary in Peru, my role as a wife and my life as a mom.  I truly believe that as Christians there is SO much power in sharing our joys, our struggles and our lives with each other.

After this past week it is VERY evident that life sometimes is truly short.  I want to live a life FULL in the Lord.  I want to live a life that the only fear I do have is living too long:)

Lastly and most importantly I ask that you pray for our friends, Matt, Amy, Liam and Mary Lowe.  I beg you to pray for their aching hearts as they face their time shortening with Liam.  Please also be with Chuck and the family of Marilyn Jobe.  When I started this post early this morning, I wasn't aware that she had just passed.  She was a woman that I would describe as one of the most gracious, beautiful servants I've known.  I know she was welcomed with open arms and I know she is rejoicing and probably seeing what all she can organize and help with up there:)

Stephanie