Last night as I layed in bed, I started going through a little bit of an angry phase. I'm sure there are steps to grieving but I'm sure I won't follow any of the "proper" ways of doing things. It's different for everyone. I started asking all the questions that I knew couldn't be answered.
I've been reading the book "The Shack" and of course had stopped at a point in the book that was talking about this guys anger. I hadn't picked it up since Thursday but again I needed my brain to do something other than think about the circumstances so I started reading. I came across some unbelievable lines that I knew were there for me to read today. The main character in the book had gone through an incredible tragedy and he was now facing God. As he talks to him very candidly he says "I just can't imagine any final outcome that would justify all this." I thought to myself "that's exactly what I was thinking last night in my prayer." God's response was just what I needed to hear "I'm not justifying it. I'm redeeming it."
One more thing I wanted to share from the book was a line God says (ok so God is a character in the book, this isn't a direct quote or anything) "You really don't understand yet. You try to make sense of the world in which you live based on a very small and incomplete picture of reality. It is like looking at a parade through the tiny knothole of hurt, pain, self-centeredness, and power, and believing you are on your own and insignificant. All of these contain powerful lies. You see pain and death as ultimate evils and God as the ultimate betrayer, or perhaps, at best, as fundamentally untrustworthy. "
So I haven't thought all of that at this exact moment but I do know that right now I know I'm only seeing part of the picture. This gives me some relief to be honest. I know God is going to use this for his Kingdom, it's just hard to swallow right now. In the midst of this sadness, I have seen more generosity and love than I think I have ever experienced in my life.
My mom got to fly in on Friday (10 hours after she received our phone call about the initial test) and unbeknownst to any of us, people were gathering donations to help pay for her ticket. People have given above and beyond what we ever could have imagined. Friends are sending me clothes (I only brought maternity clothes with me to Costa Rica.) I mean who thinks of that kind of stuff? I didn't even think about my clothes until the next day and it was just one more thing that God has used to bless us tremendously. The school gathered meals for us and some of these people I still have never met. I could go on and on but I know this is getting long. I wish I could thank all you of you personally but hopefully you will read this and realize that your email, your prayer, your donation, your letter and so much more has made a tremendous difference.
To have my mom here has been an incredible blessing in itself and I can't thank you enough for helping her get here.
Please keep praying!