Sunday, September 07, 2008

Blessings Come Pouring

Last night as I layed in bed, I started going through a little bit of an angry phase. I'm sure there are steps to grieving but I'm sure I won't follow any of the "proper" ways of doing things. It's different for everyone. I started asking all the questions that I knew couldn't be answered.

I've been reading the book "The Shack" and of course had stopped at a point in the book that was talking about this guys anger. I hadn't picked it up since Thursday but again I needed my brain to do something other than think about the circumstances so I started reading. I came across some unbelievable lines that I knew were there for me to read today. The main character in the book had gone through an incredible tragedy and he was now facing God. As he talks to him very candidly he says "I just can't imagine any final outcome that would justify all this." I thought to myself "that's exactly what I was thinking last night in my prayer." God's response was just what I needed to hear "I'm not justifying it. I'm redeeming it."

One more thing I wanted to share from the book was a line God says (ok so God is a character in the book, this isn't a direct quote or anything) "You really don't understand yet. You try to make sense of the world in which you live based on a very small and incomplete picture of reality. It is like looking at a parade through the tiny knothole of hurt, pain, self-centeredness, and power, and believing you are on your own and insignificant. All of these contain powerful lies. You see pain and death as ultimate evils and God as the ultimate betrayer, or perhaps, at best, as fundamentally untrustworthy. "

So I haven't thought all of that at this exact moment but I do know that right now I know I'm only seeing part of the picture. This gives me some relief to be honest. I know God is going to use this for his Kingdom, it's just hard to swallow right now. In the midst of this sadness, I have seen more generosity and love than I think I have ever experienced in my life.

My mom got to fly in on Friday (10 hours after she received our phone call about the initial test) and unbeknownst to any of us, people were gathering donations to help pay for her ticket. People have given above and beyond what we ever could have imagined. Friends are sending me clothes (I only brought maternity clothes with me to Costa Rica.) I mean who thinks of that kind of stuff? I didn't even think about my clothes until the next day and it was just one more thing that God has used to bless us tremendously. The school gathered meals for us and some of these people I still have never met. I could go on and on but I know this is getting long. I wish I could thank all you of you personally but hopefully you will read this and realize that your email, your prayer, your donation, your letter and so much more has made a tremendous difference.
To have my mom here has been an incredible blessing in itself and I can't thank you enough for helping her get here.

Please keep praying!


Anonymous said...

May God grant you strength as you walk your journey of grief. I would love to hold you tight or shield you from the pain of loss--but so glad you have Lee, you mom and the kids to do that. We have a common bond of the loss of a child and we have the common blessings of those who are still needing our our love and care. I love you
Aunt Penny

Ann Reese said...

Today at church and small group you guys were on the hearts and minds of so many. I couldn't help but just wish yall were here with everyone so we could love and surround you. But I know you are being loved and surrounded there and experiencing God's family's care in perhaps even greater ways than I can imagine. God bless you as you start this new week and you continue on the journey of such a wide variety of emotions. Yall are loved.

Olivia said...

Steph, I love you so much and I HATE that you are going through this. I wish I were there to give you a big hug or just cry with you. Things like this should not happen and no matter how I tried to make sense of it all, it never really did make sense. It was just my choosing that I was going to believe God and trust Him in spite of my hurt and anger. I love you so much and I am there for you if you ever want to e-mail me. Please do. (

Wes and Ellen said...

Praying for you guys.


Tammy said...

Just wanted you guys to know that we are so sorry for your loss and you are in our prayers! The church here in Paris, Texas is also praying for your family! We love you, Jered and Tammy Benedick

Lynn said...

I am so glad that your mom got to be there with you! I know that she wanted to be with you as much as you needed her. Moms are like that. My thoughts are with you and I'm praying for you too! Could you send me your mailing address through email? My email is Thanks!

Lynn Doty from the 'ville Texas

Matt said...

Just a note to let you know that my wife Crystal and I are praying for you.

Kyle Smith said...

The McKinzies and Smiths will be praying for you and your family Stephanie. Your words about God redeeming this situation are touching and spot on. It's not always easy to see the redemption while its happening though.

-Fellow Peruvian Missionaries