Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Last Few Days

Sorry it's been a few days since I've written but so much has happened the last few days and I'm just drained. Physically I'm still having some tough days but somehow some of these side-effects keep it from being completely final. Once the physical part is completely healed then it just seems so final. I'm sure that's weird for some of you to understand but it's true. Do I want more weird side effects (that I'm not going into for a reason that I know you will be grateful for) no, but I also still feel some attachment. OK, on to something else

School, I went back to school for the first time on Thursday. I wasn't suppose to go back till Tuesday but being at the house all day was hard. I decided just to go to grammar class and boy was that exciting! Ok, so it wasn't that exciting but I found out we had a test the next day (on Friday) so I thought I would study at the review my first day back (what in the world was I thinking?) I found myself feeling a little lost, a little anxious and continuously trying to divert my thoughts so I wouldn't think about the reality going on inside my heart at that moment. My classmates made me laugh a few times so that was good. One guy in our class told us how he went to go order a black donut and a white donut and ended up ordering a black lady and a white lady. During that same hour he also told the teacher the Spanish word for SH_ _, instead of another verb! It was seriously hilarious.

The afternoon got better when my mom and I went out by ourselves and found a new part of San Jose. It was a very nice part of town that had a great mall and we had a great time just walking around the mall and eating (that's mostly what we do around here.) I finally found a pair of pants that fit so I bought them and didn't look back. When we got back home that afternoon I was exhausted but realized that for those few hours God blessed me with some fun.

Friday (yesterday) I went to go take my grammar test and then my mom, Sofia and I took off and went back to this mall so I could get a relaxing facial while mom and Sofia spent some good Nana time together. I got a taxi and went to the spa alone and on the way had a realization that it was the first time I had been alone since last Thursday. Most of you that know me well know that I'm a pretty independent person, so it took me by surprise when I started chocking up. I kept on telling myself to get a grip at least till I got out of the cab. I attempted a conversation with the cabi and that dried up my tears real quick when I realized that this conversation was probably a good reflection of what my grammar test would look like, a big blank stare!
As I went into this beautiful spa and sat down to fill my paperwork out my worst fear came true. I cry quite a bit but most of the time it's in private or amongst good friends, this time it was in front of a complete stranger I could not communicate with. As I filled out the paperwork there were only 5 questions and the first asked if I was pregnant. I immediately broke down into a sob (not the cute kind either, the really ugly one.) The poor lady brought me water and in a very broken spanish I explained that my baby had died. She got tears in her eyes and we experienced non-verbal communication. As I excused myself to the restroom, I think she told the guy that was going to do my facial what happened and the next 80 minutes I just prayed I would make it through and not have to be mortified by having to walk out of the place. God was so good. He gave me a therapist (that's what they call them here, he wasn't really a therapist) that layed hands on my head and I know he prayed several times during the facial. At one point he even layed a hand on my stomach and silently prayed. Needless to say I made it through but I was glad to rejoin my mom and Sofia. The rest of the day went ok when we met up with the whole team for a birthday dinner for my teammate Alison. I cried a few more times that day but I think I better get use to this crying regimen for awhile.

So we are now to today, Saturday. We haven't had any water at all (this happens often in Costa Rica) and the kids were having a pretty tough day. I think they are out of sorts and not feeling too good so we made a last minute decision to all get a room at a hotel. So here I am in the hotel room with my mom, Lee and my kids. The most exciting part is that I can soak in a bath for the first time since we left the US! We all got cleaned up and went to go eat at Outback. Yes, I said Outback. You can find anything these days (well, not anything unless your looking for spandex pants.) It was nice and then Lee and I got to walk around by ourselves for awhile.
Sorry this is so long but I wanted to catch everyone up. I'm sure I will think of more things that have happened but I wanted to at least post something today.

Thank you to all of you that have been reading the blog and keeping up with us. You can't imagine what it means to get comments from friends, strangers and family. I know I'm not the best writer or blogger but I just hope this can be a blessing to those of you so far away that we love so much and can't keep up with like we want. Was that totally a run-on sentence? Oh, well. Please keep praying for our family and our team.

Love and Blessings-Steph


cathie orozco said...

here i am crying again. mainly for God's blessings.. thanks for sharing. love and peace.

emily anna said...

I am praying for you Steph. I can't imagine what you are going through, but just know that you are not forgotten. I think about you so much throughout my day. Please let me know If I can send you anything...
Love you girl! :)

Olivia said...

Steph, thanks again for writing your thoughts. I know it is hard for you. You have been on my mind like crazy the last couple of days. I wish I could just come and sit with you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make all the pain you feel go away. You are so precious and it is so hard to break a spirit like yours. You are a fighter, and this is why I am so proud you are writing about it and being real. I know what you mean about symptoms and the signs that remain after lossing your precious little boy. My milk came in when I lose Natalie and it just about killed me because my body was looking for her, ya know? I know that may sound weird, but is was true. There is so much healing that happens for the woman after the birth. The swollen stomache, the milk, the emotions do to hormones, and then recovering from the shock. It doesn't go away over night. I am glad you are at a hotel and that your mom is there. Be safe and take care of yourself. You don't have to be strong for everyone else. Love you so much and e-mail me if you are up to it. I will in NO way be offended if you don't. (

Anonymous said...

thanks for catching us up. please tell nanny patti we all say hi too.
thank you for your beautiful and honest thoughts.

Mary Beth said...

I will keep you in our prayers. Love you guys!

Ann Reese said...

We think about you guys all the time. Thank you again for sharing your heart with us Stephanie; I know it can't be easy. I'm so glad that you all are being taken care of in so many ways. We love yall and pray for you all the time.

Jenny Wilkinson said...

I really have no words except that I am so sad for you. I know you guys will be okay because you are amazing and God is amazing. Even knowing that, I am still so sad for you. I am so glad that your mom was able to be there. You are definitely thought of and prayed for often.