I cannot believe it's been 4 weeks since we lost Levi, it feels like it all happened yesterday. I would be past the half way mark of my pregnancy right now, yet my semi-swollen belly is almost gone. Everyday life has kept on going but everyday we mourn the future. I was reading from the book "The Shack" (yes, I know I'm a slow reader) and something stood out to me that I had never realized before. A lot of times we think, imagine and spend our time in the past or the future. It's ok to be there sometimes but we can spend so much time dreading the future or mourning the past (future in our case) that we don't enjoy the good that God has for us in the present! If I spend all my time mourning what a future with Levi would have been like, all the times I didn't get to hold him, hear his first words, see Sofia changing him, playing ball with Maddox then I'm going to miss the good that has come out of all this. Let me say though that I believe it is perfectly fine for me to still be mourning right now and crying about the things I'm going to miss. It's ok to feel fear about going back to Abilene and seeing all the things we bought to welcome him into this world. It's ok for me to dread seeing our doctor (Dr.Tadvick) and know he won't be able to deliver our child anymore cause some stranger in Costa Rica already did. It's ok for me to cringe when people say "sounds like your doing great!" Because I never feel quite "great."
The important thing is to know that God has worked immensely among our team the last couple of weeks, that I have gotten to know people at school that I might have never met if it wasn't for Levi, that Sofia might get an early grip on Heaven and about loss and that she can see that mommy and daddy cry and miss their baby but that we can still laugh and love one another. Family, friends, strangers from all over the world (literally from the Island of Mauritius to Abilene TX) have been able to be a part of our story through emails, cards, prayers, donations, boxes of cloths, hugs, taking notes for me at school, crying with us, visits, food and so much more. Being part of God's family is GOOD!
Just today a few of us went to the market to pick up some fruits and veggies and we ended up going to a park to let the kids play. While we were there we met a group that was led by a lady named Patricia. She started a group called "Recycled hope." It's for teenage girls that get raped and have babies as an outcome. Just to tell you how sad some of these situations are, one of the girls got raped at 9 and she is now 15 with a 5 year old. They are both just children trying to make the best out of their situation. At least a half dozen of the girls and their babies were there playing as well as a group of high school volunteers. As I sat at the picnic table and talked to them I just got an overwhelming sense that somehow my story could become part of theirs. In a very weird way we both had a constant reminder of a horrible situation. They have to love and care for a child that came out of a horrible situation and be reminded of it each time they look at them and I always look at my two children and think something is missing. Just to clarify, they have had a horrendous experience and one I don't begin to pretend I understand but it just seemed that maybe one day we would be able to share our stories together. We started taking pictures of them and their kids so we could give them some good shots of their family and they were very excited. We talked to the director and I know I want to be a part of this program while I'm here, in some way.
Our story will continue and a year from now I might still feel like it all happened yesterday but I know that God will use this story of you, me and everyone that's been a part of it, to share in His Goodness.
PS. I've included a few pictures from our experience at the park this morning. Look how precious those kids are.