I've been meaning to write this for about three weeks and finally tonight I decided it was time.
Two Saturdays ago, I had another one of my little panic attacks about the baby. I hadn't felt the baby move all day and at about 7:30pm I finally broke down and called the hospital to see if I knew any of the nurses working in labor and delivery (I didn't want to have to check in and get insurance involved if you know what I mean.) I was so blessed to know a nurse that was getting ready to leave her shift and stayed over 20 minutes until we got there. She quickly checked the heartbeat and everything was fine.
This whole 5 1/2 months have been a roller coaster in the truest sense. Specifically with my spriritual walk. When we lost Levi my prayer life changed to conversations of desperation. When we miscarried soon after that my prayer life changed to anger, frustration and a lack of trust. Since then I've had so many conversations with God and being honest with Him about my desire to fully trust Him.
I truly believe that my biggest struggle (I'm going to be completely honest here) is that I don't want to fervently pray for this baby boy to make it and if he didn't make it be angry with God. Does this make sense? I kept on thinking if I just didn't talk to God too much about this baby and beg for his life that if something did happen I wouldn't wonder why all my prayers weren't answered in the way I wanted them to be.
Ok, so I do have some common sense and I do realize that God is a caring, compassionate and loving God. But... He also let Levi be taken away. I've already seen some ways in which God has used our loss for His glory but it doesn't mean it hasn't been extremely tough. It doesn't mean I've wondered why if this baby makes it, what made him so different from Levi?
Well I think now that it is 11:37pm that I'm truly exhausted and rambling. This is exactly why I've waited this long to write this. My point in writing this is to ask YOU, the readers of this blog if you will help me with praying for baby boy F?
I know so many of you have been praying for our family and have committed to praying for our unborn son but I want to ask you all to be prayer warriors for this baby and for me as his mom to be strong and committed to the Lord no matter what the outcome might be.
Tomorrow we have another appointment with the perinatogolist and then right after with the OBGYN. They are specifically looking for proper growth. If at any point the baby stops to grow they will take the baby out in the hopes that it will thrive outside the womb. Obviously the next few weeks are critical because the baby would not be able to survive outside the womb until we get through another 4 more weeks. So far his growth has been great.
Thank you so much for all your prayers and for those of you who will commit to praying for this baby until he gets here.