I've been meaning to write this for about three weeks and finally tonight I decided it was time.
Two Saturdays ago, I had another one of my little panic attacks about the baby. I hadn't felt the baby move all day and at about 7:30pm I finally broke down and called the hospital to see if I knew any of the nurses working in labor and delivery (I didn't want to have to check in and get insurance involved if you know what I mean.) I was so blessed to know a nurse that was getting ready to leave her shift and stayed over 20 minutes until we got there. She quickly checked the heartbeat and everything was fine.
This whole 5 1/2 months have been a roller coaster in the truest sense. Specifically with my spriritual walk. When we lost Levi my prayer life changed to conversations of desperation. When we miscarried soon after that my prayer life changed to anger, frustration and a lack of trust. Since then I've had so many conversations with God and being honest with Him about my desire to fully trust Him.
I truly believe that my biggest struggle (I'm going to be completely honest here) is that I don't want to fervently pray for this baby boy to make it and if he didn't make it be angry with God. Does this make sense? I kept on thinking if I just didn't talk to God too much about this baby and beg for his life that if something did happen I wouldn't wonder why all my prayers weren't answered in the way I wanted them to be.
Ok, so I do have some common sense and I do realize that God is a caring, compassionate and loving God. But... He also let Levi be taken away. I've already seen some ways in which God has used our loss for His glory but it doesn't mean it hasn't been extremely tough. It doesn't mean I've wondered why if this baby makes it, what made him so different from Levi?
Well I think now that it is 11:37pm that I'm truly exhausted and rambling. This is exactly why I've waited this long to write this. My point in writing this is to ask YOU, the readers of this blog if you will help me with praying for baby boy F?
I know so many of you have been praying for our family and have committed to praying for our unborn son but I want to ask you all to be prayer warriors for this baby and for me as his mom to be strong and committed to the Lord no matter what the outcome might be.
Tomorrow we have another appointment with the perinatogolist and then right after with the OBGYN. They are specifically looking for proper growth. If at any point the baby stops to grow they will take the baby out in the hopes that it will thrive outside the womb. Obviously the next few weeks are critical because the baby would not be able to survive outside the womb until we get through another 4 more weeks. So far his growth has been great.
Thank you so much for all your prayers and for those of you who will commit to praying for this baby until he gets here.
Much love
Stephanie
5 comments:
Hi Stephanie-
My heart resonated with so many things you blogged about the roller coaster ride of a subsequent pregnancy after losses. You will look back at this time as, yet again, some of the most difficult times in your life, close in comparison to when Levi died. I am praying for you and Baby "F"....I think of you often and need to be more consistent in prayer and keeping up w/ you. Please feel free to call or e-amil me. I would be honored to help carry some of this load w/ you...I understand the pain and the loss very well. It is all worth it my friend, although sometimes that is little comfort in the present struggle, huh? Just you wait until you hear his piercing cry and you hold him safely in your arms.....what relief & joy you will feel. Once day at a time sweet Jesus...and btw, God can handle anything we need to throw at Him...through losing Zoe God has brought me to the most honest place w/ Him & others that I have EVER been in.....Love & [[Hugs]], Hope Wood
Steph, Thank you for being so honest. It takes a lot of courage to write your deepest feelings.
I can't possibly know how you are feeling. Nor can i have any idea what this situation does to one's prayer life but I will continue to pray on my face for you and the baby. I'm sure God is listening, after all, you are not on bed rest anymore!
Love you!
Thinking of you, Steph. I wish I could help the anxiety go away...and wish I could replace it with a perfect peace. He can. And I hope he does, and that you can rest, and not worry. Will be thinking of you. Love you.
Dear Gracious Father,
Please continue to bless Stephanie's baby and help him to grow and be healthy. Please bless Stephanie. Help her to remain healthy and to carry this precious baby to term. I also pray that Steph will trust in you and that her faith will remain strong no matter the outcome. Please give her hope and peace. Thank you, God. In Jesus' name, Amen.
thanks for being so honest. still praying as i committed to do...love you guys.
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