I'm sure those of you who have experienced a similar loss or really any loss can remember the first few moments after "the news." I remember the shock, the motherly instinct that was telling me "you knew something was wrong!" and just the absolute sickening feeling that washed over me.
I remember waiting outside the doctors office for what seemed like forever, to discuss what our "options" were and I just couldn't take the stares anymore so I got up and went into the bathroom. It was my first moment without Lee since we had found out and I stood there looked in the mirror with tears and gritted teeth and said "ok God, it is just you and me." There was no need to explain myself to Him or to go into a long drawn out prayer. He knew. What He & I knew is that there was no way I was going to walk through this alone. I obviously had Lee, but in that instant I knew I was going to have to physically and emotionally get through the days that followed and God was going to have to pick me up from the sand and carry me. He did just that.
There are still memories from the following day and Levi's delivery that absolutely haunt me. A friend of mine from England (but she and her husband work as missionaries here) went through a very similar loss just two weeks ago when they lost their son Solomon in utero. She came over one night just to talk and recount her day at the hospital and what she calls her "horror", it was ALL too familiar. It was unreal how our stories matched up, from the dishonest doctor, to the panicked nurses who showed ALL fear, to the awful questions etc... I obviously have not shared some of those details because of the personal nature (I know surprising but I do keep some things to myself:) but talking with Anna made me realize that though it has been two years, I'm not just mourning Levi but I think I'm mourning the whole experience. Not sure if that makes sense but for me, it just does. I still to this day wish I could go back and do over that day and preferably in the States and with OUR doctor.
The story doesn't end there though. From the moment news got out about Levi, the blessings POURED. My mom was flown in and arrived 2 hours after I delivered, we got COUNTLESS emails, letters, donations for medical expenses, clothes (that weren't maternity since that was all I brought to Costa Rica), the students brought flowers, meals, books, prayed, our team pretty much held vigil at our house and seemed to know exactly what we needed and so much more that I could spend hours writing about it.
God carried me, Lee, our kids, our family and our teammates for the days and weeks that followed. Through Levi's experience I have come to truer (is that even a word?) relationship with God, I have been able to share in other womens losses of their babies and God has used his loss to bring us to the exact place we are in right now. Though sometimes it's hard to think about or say, the truth is that Liam would not be here if it wasn't for Levi. We are so blessed by Liam but I still have days of what if? What would Levi look like, would he look like Liam? Levi would have been over a year and a half while in just a few short weeks Liam will be celebrating his first.
This morning at 6:30 I woke with tears and as I layed next to Liam I just was able to hold one baby and mourn for the other. It was bitter sweet but I am SO blessed to have been able to shed those tears while holding such a miracle baby beside me. Sofia and I talked about Liam this morning and I told her I was a little sad and she said "me too. I wish Levi was here." I told her "I know but what a blessing that we have Liam and Levi is in Heaven." Sofia-"well I can't wait to go to heaven (ummm, she will just have to wait a LONG time on that one) but I wish we had Liam and Levi and Levi could sleep in my room and Liam in Maddox's." That sweet girl was only 3 when we lost Levi and she still has such a sweet spirit about him.
Even two years later I am still humbled when I think about the outpouring of love we received over the past two years through loss, Sofia's heart surgery & our move to Peru. Thank you to each and every one of you for the blessing you have been to our family.
We went to a place on the beach to have breakfast together and blow bubbles up to Levi and the kids had so much fun. The Davidsons were there too and they help capture a few photos so here they are.
I love you sweet Levi and though your life here was cut so short your eternity is somewhere we all long to be.
Can you see the bubble?